brettism

May the force be with you....

2007-08-31T19:25:14Z

Brett enjoying a visit with Uncle Mathew......

"Mathew is like Anakin Skywalker. He keeps the force balanced"

Brett is playing with Mike's Darth Vader voice changing helmet is teasing Lucas.....

"Luke, I'm your brother."

brettism @ 2007-08-05T18:36:00

2007-08-05T22:40:02Z

Curt and I are sitting on the couch folding laundry. Emma is standing there talking to us about her usualy funny random thoughts.

Brett walks in the front door and forgets to shut it. I yell at Brett to shut the door. Not two minutes later, Michael does the same thing.

Emma, very knowingly says "Gosh, why don't they just listen to you?"

Curt, smiling replies "I don't know Emma, why don't you?"

She pauses for a minute and then nods and says "Yeah, I see your point."

Only the first of many dissapointments.....

2007-08-04T13:33:31Z

I am standing in the kitchen trying to fake a cobbler for the reunion. I'm a little distracted as kids scamper in and out. Brett walks up and says.....

"Mom, what's a stripper mall?"

"What?" I reply

"A stripper mall" says Brett, more clearly this time.

It takes me a second, but I think I've got it.

"You mean, a strip mall?"

"Yeah, they just said it on TV" he replies

I explain what a strip mall is.

"Oh" he says. "I thought it would be much more interesting".

*facepalm*

And in the grand tradition of red flags....

2007-05-31T12:14:54Z

Emma's preschool class frequently has "themed" weeks. One weeks theme was the story "Teddy Bear's picnic". They read the story, made some cute bears, and then had a picnic with their favorite stuffed animals. At the end of the week Emma comes home with her bear. My mother-in-law who also teaches at the school, tries to warn me, but Emma is whips it out of her backpack with a flourish.

Apparently the small blanket is his picnic blanket. And the name was meant to go on the chest, but Emma would have none of that. Instead she makes....FLASHER BEAR!!

Random Brettisms

2007-05-21T15:51:02Z

We've all been sharing this lovely stomach bug this week. Brett had it first, but it seems to have made a bit of a comback with him. Today the school calls me to tell me that he says he has thrown up again. I have it today, so Curt's mom is nice enough to get him from school and bring him home. Looking totally fine, he plants himself on the couch and happily begins to doodle. Emma, thrilled to have a new playmate for the afternoon starts to try and talk to him. Brett deadpans "Emma. Be gone. You might make me throw up again."

Brett is playing baseball. He's loves it, although he's very green. He's in the outfield, and doesn't usually see too much action. One day we're picking him up from a game and I aske him how it went. He says "Okay, I didn't find one single four leaf clover out there today though!".

brettism @ 2007-05-13T22:16:00

2007-05-14T02:20:18Z

Brett came over to stay for the weekend and Caroline forgot to pack his "Better Brett pills" so I wrote down a few of the things that came out of his mouth while he was here. This is also a good idea of the amount of material that comes out of Brett as this was one weekend.

"I don’t get tired, I’m freakin ten years old."

"Lucas: unknown species, Emma: Banchee"

"I’m prepared to be amazed by the graphics"

"Good-looking cars don’t always pay off…but I gotta say, that is a good-looking car!"

"I’m a Brettsal spout!"

-Uncle Mathew

Dear, Miracle Grow

2007-03-20T20:16:49Z

We're sitting at dinner discussing Lucas' upcoming tonsilectomy. Luke wants to know how it is done. I explain that they will put him to sleep, open his mouth, and take them out. Brett says "Oh yeah, like how they put me to sleep when I had (pauses for effect) my operation." Brett remembers the aftermath from his circumcision when he was five vividly. I didn't warn him ahead of time, and he was a little miffed that they messed with his penis without permission.

"I'm still mad about that, you know! It never grew after that!"

I'm trying not to laugh when I explain that they foreskin won't ever grow back.

"No" he says "My whole penis! It's never gotten any bigger since they did that! It's still the same stinking size"

Elmer Fudd is alive and well...

2007-03-14T19:40:04Z

Today Brett comes home from school and tells me that he's won a contest in class for his original (there is an understatement) writing on the subject of hunting. Only in Bum Fark, Pa would hunting be discussed in class, but I digress. He's what we wrote...

"Welcome back to the hunt. I'm Brett Norman. This time I'm hunting for a wild pie. They're located on the North side of the hill. Wait! I think I see one. Oh...my....god. It's an African American Bull Pie! I'm going to try and catch it. I'd better be careful, they are the most dangerous of the pie species. I got it! As you can read, they have a spout that has the ability to spew out icing. Ouch! It hurt me. Wow, it just jumped out of my hand. See you next time!"

Such a lady...

2007-02-16T16:26:09Z

I was talking to a friend the other day about potty training and remembered one of my proudest Mommy Moments.

Emma was wicked hard to potty train. She was almost 3 and a half before she really got it. She was fine with the peeing in the potty, but that pooping really had her flummoxed. She'd often run off and hide and do it in her pants. We were really good about not berating her and just repeating that she needed to do it in the big girl potty, but she was endlessly embarrassed.

One day she tells me she's going upstairs to "Poop like Mommy". Sure enough, left alone she does it flawlessly. I'm headed upstairs to help her clean up and praise her to the heavens when she runs out of the bathroom into her room and yells.. "Lucas, you have GOT to come see what just came out of my butt!".

Wonder Emma

2007-02-16T16:20:30Z

Today I'm sitting there folding clothes half paying attention to the episode of Wonder Pets on Nick Jr. Wonder Pets is a goofy animated show about a group of school room pets (a gerbil, turtle, and a chick) who sneak out of their cages when no one is looking and help each other get in and out of trouble using "What's gonna work??? TEAMWORK!"

Today's episode featured Ming Ming the chick getting stuck on top of the bell tower on the school house. The other two fly in their aircraft made of a toy boat and some other crafy supplies to the nearest tree and decide that borrowing a bird's nest and a jump rope to construct a basket and then lowering it to Ming Ming is the best way to rescue her.

Emma is in and out of the room, she's way busy with her important "school work". She walks through and says "Duh, this show is soooo silly. Why didn't they just fly in their boat and pick MIng Ming up on the roof?" I love her.

And if you stay single??

2007-01-23T01:34:31Z

Curt's grandmother has a saying that she used to say to him when he was young and got hurt. Now she uses it on our kids. She says "Well, it will be better before your married" before kissing them and sending them on their way.

Emma and Evan are playing together when Evan takes a tumble and begins to cry. Emma turns to him knowingly and says "Well Evan, like Grandma Speer says....You'd better get married!"

The Fonz knows.....

2006-12-08T23:01:58Z

Brett is smug tonight. He is going to his first dance, he is coiffed, he is dressed in his cool "Fonz" leather jacket; he is older.

Lucas comes home from school with toys from the Santa's workshop. He has bought small gifts for everyone in the family, and a little something for himself.

He picked a small plastic FM radio with headphones. I cannot emphasize enough how cheap this thing is. Making it probably cost all of three yen. So not surprisingly, he is unable to get much of a signal out of it. I ask Brett to help Lucas with it. After mucking with it for a minute he turns to Lucas and says very knowingly:

"Luke, this is an FM radio. It's not working because right now it's P.M."

I don't think NASA is worried....

2006-12-03T13:43:02Z

Brett is in the kitchen getting ready to make breakfast. He looks in the cabinet to find that all of the bowls are in the dishwasher. He says "Houston, we have a problem." "We're out of bowls and I don't know what Houston we have a problem means".

Sibling loooove

2006-12-01T12:56:05Z

I waited to tell the kids about my pregnancy with Evan until I was almost showing. I sat them all down and explained that I was pregnant and that their baby brother or sister was in my stomach. Lucas looks up at me horrified and says.."You ATE it??" :0)

Brett groans and says "Oh GREAT. Now I'm going to be related to an infant!"

Squeaky clean getaway

2006-11-04T01:20:17Z

Brett is about four or five. He is running around with manic energy when I tell him that it's time for his bath. He runs off and yells:

You'll never clean me alive, copper!!!

Lucy and the black hole

2006-11-04T00:58:04Z

Emma is sitting on the couch complaining to me that her name should be Lucy instead of Emma. I tell her it's too late to change, but that if she ever has a daughter she can name her daughter Lucy. She proudly tells me that she is going to have two boys and two girls and there names are (she doesn't miss a beat) Lucy, Cindy, Carl, and Peter. I almost died. Curt thinks she is channeling the Brady Bunch.

Today I'm at Brett and Lucas' school to pick Brett up for a Dr's appointment and the desk Nazi is asking me if I'm coming to Lucas' IEP later that afternoon. To which I reply that I had no knowledge that there was one. She tells me that she sent it home with Brett. I tell her that's probably why I had no idea and that we call it the "Brett's black hole backpack". So we reschedule and chuckle.

I tell Curt the story and he decides to check it out. This is what we find in Brett's backpack, including a folder labeled "School to Home" that I have NEVER seen before. Please note the mini screwdriver and random puzzle piece. No IEP notice however.

It was a good day........

2006-10-12T19:25:32Z

Today Curt's mom comes over to sit with the kids so I can go to Brett's school conference. She walks in the door and is immediately mobbed. Brett walks up and she says:

Hey Brett! How are you today?

To which he nods and replies:

Pretty good. For a Brett.

brettism @ 2006-10-01T13:49:00

2006-10-01T17:56:48Z

I got this a while back in an email from Caroline...

"Found Emma's dolls like this...eventually Brett confessed. Start the therapy now or wait until he REALLY needs it??

Love, Caroline"

My response:

"I DIED laughing... Please dear god save one till he's older. I'll pay for it.

Normal kids: Here Emma, here's your doll.

Stupid kids: I know, I'll scrible all over the face.

Bad kids: I know, I'll draw a mustash on the face.

Refined kids: I know, I'll make them all look like englishmen."

She says:

"Cwap!! Made him clean them off, that's why I snapped pic. He said he was tired of her going into his room and wrecking his stuff, so he wrecked her dolls. But you're right...mustaches and monocles are refined. I almost couldn't yell at him I was laughing so hard."

- Uncle Mathew

3'fer

2006-09-25T23:43:09Z

I am standing in the kitchen doing dishes and it is about time for Brett to start his homework.

He comes up to me and says: Mom, I still think that school is just a ploy to take away time from your family.

I say: No dice, do your work.

Brett: Darn it.

Later we are discussing the new "chore chart". All of the kids have chores that they check off when they get them done for the day. Brett is going down his list and muttering: Make bed, check. Clean room, check. He comes to the next one and looks up at me and says: Hey Mom, Please, Thank you, May I, and uh...I love you. And then promptly puts a check next to the "Be Respectful" box.

I see him do this and remind him that doing things like "Riverdancing" up and down the stairs is not respectful to the house.

Brett: "Yeah, but it's funny. I can't dance."

Taaaaanks!

2006-09-06T21:27:04Z

Thanks to all who have friended this LJ and who have been enjoying it. Please feel free to comment if you thought something was amusing.

Thanks Care for posting the Brett stories.
-Uncle Mathew

brettism @ 2006-09-05T20:30:00

2006-09-06T00:35:25Z

It's the first day of school. At 8:30pm I discover that Brett does indeed have homework. I'm trying to get him settled at the table with everything so he can get it done. He's procrastinating and trying to complain to me about Michael instead of doing his work.

Brett: And then Michael grabbed my underwear while I was going up the steps and gave me the biggest wedgie. My whole butt was hanging out.
Me: I don't care. Go ask Michael if he has a pencil.
Brett (muttering as he walks away): I'm going to ask him if he has my dignity.

brettism @ 2006-08-29T11:41:00

2006-08-29T15:42:01Z

The night before Brett's 11th birthday I am sitting with him on the couch taking pictures of him. The rechargable batteries in my camera die and the only other set I have are being used in the CD player I use when I'm on the treadmill. Not wanting to stop I tell Brett to go downstairs and bring me up the Walkman. Brett heads down to the basement apparently confused and returns a few moments later with a pair of crutches.

Workin workin man.

2006-08-29T14:27:36Z

I'm posting this on my sister's behalf today. She’s sitting with the boys this morning and Brett asks “when are we going to see uncle Mathew again” and Michael responds “Yeah, I was supposed to stay at his house for the weekend” referring to my promise to have them both over for the weekend separately. Caroline reassures Michael that I haven’t been ignoring him, that I’ve just been very busy with work. Brett agrees and responds:
“hes a workin, workin man. No wonder he can afford that steak we had.”

A piece of cake

2006-08-29T12:47:52Z

One day I decide to make cake for dessert. Brett loved it, it was lemony and fabulous. The next day he asks me if he can have a piece for snack. I tell him it's okay and then leave the room to get something. The crust was sticky and it was a pain to serve, so he's standing there with a knife trying to wrangle a piece onto his plate. He looks up and says to himself. "Today's life lesson: Cutting a piece of cake isn't always a piece of cake!" Completely unaware that I'd even heard him he scoops the cake out with his hands and goes off to have his snack.

Shadowdog

2006-08-27T22:59:05Z

When Brett was about four he had an imaginary friend. Specifically, an imaginary scapegoat by the name of Shadowdog. I never saw Brett "playing" with Shadowdog, but I did come face to face with a lot of his "work".

Me: Brett, who wrote on the wall?
Brett: Shadowdog

Me: Hey, who peed on the floor in the bathroom again?
Brett: Stupid ole Shadowdog, I told him to go outside.

And on and on it went....

One day I take Brett and Michael up to Delaware to visit with my best friend and their godmother Michelle. She is engaged to a man named Harold who the boys have never met before. He doesn't quite know what to think of the boys and we're all stading outside of their house while the boys run of some pent up energy. Michelle is telling Harold about Shadowdog, who had made his first appearance earlier that month.

Michelle turns to Brett: Brett did Shadowdog come up to Delaware with you?

Brett, stops running and looks annoyed: Yeah, he's here. (yells sternly) Shadowdog! Get your PUNK ASS under that porch!

I tried to convince Harold that Brett was really a lovely child, but what can I say? Shadowdog struck again.